Parenting Together

Your baby’s arrival did not happen as you imagined. This may have been a very stressful time for you both in different ways. Give each other time to settle back into home life and try and offer each other the support and encouragement you need. 

Babies benefit from spending time with their parents / carers and it is a special time as you get used to having your baby home.

It will be hard and tiring at times too and this can put a strain on relationships.

• Talk to each other and share your feelings.
• Try and give each other time to catch up on rest and to relax.
• Try not to criticise – you will both care for your baby in slightly different ways; as long as they are safe and kind this is ok.
• Find a calm time to talk and listen to each other about any differences you feel strongly about. There are ideas on how to manage different parenting styles.

Having a new baby is always a big life event and having a baby who needed extra care after birth is not easy.

You may notice that you and / or your partner’s mental health has been affected. It is important to get help if your mental health is making it hard to cope with daily life and spoiling your enjoyment of time with your family. Everyone benefits when parents take care of themselves too.

Read more about parental emotional health

Family & Friends

You have probably had offers of help from family and friends whilst your baby has been on the unit. Now is a good time to call in those favours. People like to help and it will free you up to spend time with your baby. 

• It could be cooking meals for the freezer, helping with washing or ironing.
• If you have other children you might ask for a hand with the school / nursery run to begin with.
• You may have an older child who would enjoy a trip to the park in the early days of having their baby brother or sister home.

Visitors

Some family and friends will be desperate to see your baby now they are home. This may be just what you want too. Or you may want some quiet time with your baby whilst you settle in.

Don’t be afraid to ask people to give you space if that feels right for you. You have had to wait for this special time. Let people know how you feel and that you are grateful for their care but need time to settle in.

It is ok to change your mind too – if you are having a hard day and needs some moral support ask family and friends to pop round.

When friends and family visit you may not feel ready for others to hold the baby and this is fine. If you do want your baby to be held by special friends and family ask them to wash their hands well first. Hygiene is important and will reduce any worry you might have about germs.

Take a look at this video filmed by a parent at home to share her thoughts about meeting with other parents who babies have experienced time in a neonatal unit.

Big Brothers & Sisters

Older brothers and sisters may have had a very confusing time whilst their new sibling has been on the unit. They will probably have had to have changes to routines and may not have been able to spend as much time with you as before. 

The baby coming home is the beginning of getting things back to ’normal’ but can be tough for children as they get used to all the changes.

Children can be clingy and demanding of your attention as they recover from the stress. Their behaviour may be more challenging. They are showing you that they have missed you. They need to be reassured that they are important to you and that all will be ok.

• Spend one to one time with your older child whenever you can - even if it is just 5 minutes at a time having a cuddle, looking at books. 
• Get back to the routines and patterns they are used to as much as possible. Keep your boundaries and rules – this all makes your child feel safe and secure.
• Involve them in caring for the baby – getting things for you, showing them toys, singing and reading to them. Give lots of praise and encouragement.
• Encourage other family members to give your older child attention first when they visit.

It takes time for the whole family to adjust to the arrival home of the baby. Be patient with your older children and yourself, as you settle in.

Other People

You might worry about other people getting too near to your baby. Many parents feel this way with a newborn. This can feel more worrying after the experience of having a baby that has needed extra care. 

People may be interested and want to admire your tiny baby but it is ok to ask people to step back, and to not touch.

• Politely say ‘do you mind not getting too close / touching – she has just come out of hospital and I worry about germs’.
• You can get signs to go on prams and car seats that say this too.

If your child has something visible that shows they still need extra care you might want to practice how you would like to answer any questions:

‘He has milk through the tube at the moment until he gets stronger’ or ‘She is having some oxygen through the tubes until her lungs grow bigger’.

Remember if you don’t feel like answering, or notice people looking, you can just smile and carry on!

Getting Out & About

You may well feel the need to stay in for the first few days after your baby has been discharged. This can be a good idea as you get used to being at home. You can see how your baby adapts to the temperature of your house. You will start to see what pattern of waking, feeding and sleeping your baby is following. It will do you and your baby good to get out of the house once you feel ready.

As long as your baby’s medical team have not advised otherwise and your baby can maintain their temperature, you can go out and about.

• Dress your baby in layers of clothing – this makes it easier to take them on and off to stop them getting too hot or cold.
• If you are outside your baby may need a hat – but take it off when you are inside. Babies can easily overheat if their head is too hot.
• Make sure your child can be protected from any kind of weather – wet, and cold or hot and sunny.

To begin with check your baby’s temperature regularly by feeling the back of their neck or tummy (hands and feet are often cooler in small babies). Put on or take off layers as needed. You will soon get used to the right amount of clothes and covers for your baby.

Going out can feel like a big deal to begin with and it is natural to feel a bit worried. Try close to home first. You might decide to go with your partner or a friend to begin with, or arrange to meet them nearby.

Get organised

It can help if you feel organised. Have a ‘going out’ bag that you top up with things you might need. Have feeding equipment, wipes, nappies and extra clothes. Take any medication they might need whilst you are out.

• Try and time it for when your baby has been fed and is likely to be calm.
• Choose a less busy time If you need to go to shops or the supermarket.
• Ask friends and family for tips on good places to feed your baby, or you could ask other local parents on our online community forum.

Crying

If your baby gets upset remember all babies cry; most of the ‘funny looks’ from others that you might sense will be looks of sympathy. Lots of people will remember when this happened to them!

Do what you can to settle your baby. Remember if it all feels too much you can just go home and try again another day.

Take a look at video below which a parent has filmed to share her experience with others.

Wind

Some babies seem to get wind that they swallow during feeds, or from when they are crying. Some find burping or farting easy and their wind does not cause them any trouble. Other babies seem to:

• Be uncomfortable.
• Feel ‘full’ and fall asleep before they have finished their feed.
• Sick up little bits of milk.

All babies are different and you will find the ‘little ways’ that help your child burp over time. As a rule, you can help your baby part with their wind more easily by:

• Sitting your baby upright whilst supporting their head.
• Resting your baby with their head on your shoulder.
• Keeping the ‘trunk’ of their body straight.
• Rubbing between their shoulder blades.

Some babies need to stop during their feed to be winded, others are fine until the end of the feed. Some just don’t seem to need winding, be led by your baby.

What Can I Do To Help?

Babies often just want to be held and comforted if wind is bothering them.

• Walk around with them.
• Sing and chat to them.
• Have skin to skin contact.

Trying to stay relaxed yourself can help your baby relax and the wind be released more easily.

We would not recommend the use of products such as those inserted into the baby's rectum to relieve wind/colic as these could cause harm if not used correctly. Please see the advice here to relieve wind/colic safely

By the time your baby is around three months old wind is often less of a problem. Their digestive system is more mature and you have got to know what works for them better.

Dummies

Babies who have needed extra help may have been offered a dummy during their stay in hospital. A dummy can be helpful in the early days to promote sucking particularly when babies are having tube feeds. It can also be used to comfort babies when they are undergoing procedures.

Once your baby is at home it is helpful to reduce the amount of time your baby has a dummy, maybe offering the dummy just at sleep time. Read more about using a dummy when putting your baby down to sleep.

When your baby shows feeding readiness signs like waking, rooting, licking and sucking, they should be offered the breast / bottle rather than the dummy.

Where possible the dummy should be gently withdrawn between 6 and 12 months, to avoid possible longer-term problems associated with dummy use such as ear infections or misalignment of teeth.

General guidelines for using dummies

• The dummy should be cleaned and sterilised between uses to minimise any risk of infection.
• Check the dummy before each use. Latex can warp, so if the dummy shows signs of wear and tear, replace it.
• Remember to allow your baby plenty of time without their dummy so they can respond to you when you talk to them.

Baby Massage

Baby Massage is a great way for parents to bond with their new baby. Some of the benefits of baby massage are listed below or you can watch the short video. The Hamlet Centre offers free sessions about baby massage as part of their Nurture group.

Baby massage can:

• Help to create a routine for the day.
• Help parents understand their baby.
• Great way to bond with your baby.
• Help with postnatal depression.
• Relieve stress in both parents and babies.
• Relieve tension and teething pain.
• Relieve colic, cramps and constipation.
• Help babies produce oxytocin, the happy hormone.
• Help babies produce melatonin, the sleeping hormone.

Remember - Don't try to massage your baby if they are in a fussy mood, tired or asleep.