Behaviours 

At times, your child may behave in a way that could be seen as being disruptive. This may happen when a child's needs are not being met, for example, lashing out if they don't understand what is happening next, or refusing demands if they feel overwhelmed. Trying to understand the reasons behind your child or young person's behaviour is the best way you can help support them in meeting their needs. 

If your child has co-occurring conditions or multiple complex needs they could need more support and require more specialist resources. Here are some commonly seen behaviours, and methods to help cope with them:

Impulsive Behaviour

Having impulse control prevents us from reacting too quickly, or undertaking risky behaviours that might put us in danger. When a child has difficulties with impulse control they can often be viewed as naughty, or badly behaved, but differences with impulse control can be a common part of neurodiverse conditions. 

Ways to support your child include:

• Increasing physical exercise - this can be calming and regulating for the nervous system.
• Choosing aisle seats at the cinema or theatre so your child can get up or move about if they need to.
• Provide breaks regularly during any event and allow them to move about. If they become over-stimulated, consider if there is a low stimulus space available.
• If you know you will experience a long wait in a restaurant or airport, you could create a grab bag of activities to bring along to help keep your child entertained and distract them.
• Reward positive behaviour, many children enjoy praise.

Compulsive Behaviour

Compulsions or obsessive behaviours start as a way of trying to reduce or prevent anxiety and worries. For example, a child who fears germs may wash their hands repeatedly. Many children who have obsessive repetitive behaviours realise it's irrational, but cannot stop acting on it 'just in case'. This can be very distressing for young people and their families. 

Ways to support your child include:

• Talking to your child about their worries and letting them have the time and space to explain, sometimes there can be easy fixes to particular worries.
• Looking for books about worries to help explain at an age-appropriate level.
• Create a worry box that your child can 'park' their worries in temporarily and come back to when they feel more resilient.

It's important to get help if you think your child's compulsive behaviour is impacting their life. See your GP, or find NHS talking therapies services near you. 

Demand Avoidance

Many neurodivergent children and young people struggle with demand avoidance, which looks like they are avoiding everyday demands and expectations. It's important to remember your child isn't trying to frustrate you, when they display this behaviour, it's because they are having a hard time trying to control their environment. 

Ways to support your child include:

• Your child might cope better at certain times of the day, or with particular people. Try to work out what impacts and triggers them during your weekly routine. 
• Try to prioritise the demands on your child and think about how much they can cope with that day. Are there any demands you can drop temporarily?
• Think about how demands are phrased. Posing demands as a problem that needs to be solved can help make demands indirect and feel less overwhelming. 

Meltdowns & Shutdowns

Meltdowns

Meltdowns are not 'temper tantrums'. They are a reaction to a highly distressing situation or environment and can be very physically tiring and emotionally draining for a child.  

Meltdowns can look like:

• Shouting, growling or crying
• Physical movements like kicking, flapping or lashing out
• Hitting, pinching or hurting themselves

Shutdowns

If meltdowns are equivalent to the fight response, then shutdowns are similar to the freeze response.

They are often the result of situations with high demand in one or a few of the following areas:

• Social situations
• Situations that require a lot of thinking
• Lack of sleep
• Situations that are very active or physical

Shutdowns can look like this:

• A young person going very quiet
• Freezing or collapsing
• Not responding to people or the environment around them

Meltdowns can sometimes turn into a shutdown, where a child may show outward expressions of distress to begin with, then withdraw until their stress levels have reduced and they can begin to recover. 

How to help prevent meltdowns and shutdowns

While you can't always predict what events will lead to meltdowns and shutdowns, planning ahead when you know a situation may cause worry can help to dampen down triggers that might lead to a meltdown. For example:

• You can reduce worries about unpredictable or new situations by providing information about what to expect in advance - such as a visual timetable or now & next cards.  
• Create environments that support instead of overwhelming the senses, like allowing children and young people to wear ear defenders in noisy rooms or dimming the lights in bright environments. 
• Support your child in understanding how long they need to be in a situation, like showing them a visual timer of how long they have left. 
• Take a self-soothe kit or distractions like drawing activities and fiddle toys with you.
• Practice breathing techniques and mindfulness activities at home so that they can be utilized to support your child when they need them. 

How to help during a meltdown or shutdown

It can be distressing to support someone during a meltdown, so knowing what usually calms and soothes your child in advance is useful.  

• Try to keep calm.
• Do not ask them too many questions or put demands on them.
• Consider whether you can use their special interest to help them relax.
• If you suspect the noise, space or environment may have contributed to the meltdown, perhaps move the child into a calmer environment if it's safe to do so.
• Give them time to withdraw and recover during a shutdown.
• Some children like to have some contact during a shutdown, so ask if they would like a hand on their shoulder, to hold hands or some quiet words of reassurance.

The best remedy is to give the person the space to rest, recuperate and recover without placing additional demands on them. After the incident, when your child has fully recovered it's worth gathering some information if your child is able and willing to talk about what happened, to be able to work out what to look out for in future.  

Find out more about meltdowns and shutdowns

Easing Worries

Life for neurodivergent children and young people can present challenges that cause stress and anxiety. Examples of worry-inducing events include:

• Concerns about how peers will react to tics, fidgets or repetitive behaviour.
• Worries about going to new places or meeting new people.
• Distress when encountering overly loud, bright or busy environments.

Neurodivergent conditions involve such a varied range of differences, that methods to support one child with ADHD for example, might not work on another child with the same condition. It's worth experimenting with your child to find out what strategies and resources they find soothing and calming. 

Moving between places, often called a 'transition', can be a particularly stressful time for neurodivergent children, so it's useful to have some methods of distraction or calming up your sleeve to support them. We'd recommend:

• Creating a self-soothe kit filled with favourite objects that feel, look or smell calming and pleasing. 
• Carrying a visual timer so you can show your child how long an event is, or how long they have left.
• Packing a favourite snack, juice or water bottle.
• Keeping fidget toys in your bag is a good distraction during transitions or long waits.
• Bring a creative kit with favourite books, comics or small sketchbooks with coloured pencils. 
• Carrying earphones or ear defenders for children who prefer music, audiobooks or blocking out background noise.
• Creating a visual timetable, which is a timetable that uses pictures to describe daily routines. Whether it's for school, or just for the events going on that day, it can help your child know what will be coming next. 
• Practising breathing techniques or mindfulness activities at home, in case these can be used in stressful situations. 

Disorganisation & Time Keeping 

Executive functioning helps with processing information, planning and organising. Some neurodivergent children may have differences in executive functioning, which might mean they find organisation and time keeping more difficult.

• Organising their time and possessions, like bringing the wrong books to school.
• Getting easily distracted by tasks.
• Being forgetful or having a bad memory.
• Appearing to be very messy.
• Finding it hard to make plans with friends.
• Panicking when there is a change in routine or order of activities.
• Becoming upset over minor things.

It's important to remember that your child could find many of these differences frustrating, so it's useful to talk about any things they find hard during the day and ways that you can support them. Examples include:

• Setting up routines for more challenging tasks, like a homework schedule .
• Using a planner, for homework or tasks they need to complete to help with working memory.
• Setting time limits and alarms to help complete tasks or activities.
• Making a visual timetable for challenging activities, like the morning routine before school.
• Planning ahead, so helping your child get their school bag ready the night before.
• Using reward systems for completing tasks with younger children.

Find out more about organisational skills (executive function)

Other People's Reactions

As a parent of a neurodiverse child, you know that any behaviours like stimming, tics or bursts of energy can be reactions that your child has little control over. Unfortunately, the rest of the world doesn't always understand this, although more people are becoming aware of the signs of neurodivergence. 

The most important thing is that you support your child on occasions where they might communicate distress, big emotions or enjoyment in the best way for you both. If you are worried about other people's reactions, you could consider getting your child a sunflower lanyard, a visible clue that the wearer has a hidden condition. 

Benefits of a sunflower lanyard include:

• Staff in many organisations across the country are trained to recognise the visual clue and offer extra support.
• They can help the wearer and their family avoid queuing in some situations, like airports and train stations.
• It gives other people a visual clue that the wearer has a hidden condition or disability and may need more processing time, to be given space or to have some support.

Find sunflower-friendly venues & organisations here