Healthy Young Relationships

First relationships can be really positive. They can increase self-esteem and confidence and widen your child’s friendship circle. Some may last a long while, and some can be very short-lived, but they are a part of your child learning how to get along with others.

It is important that your child knows that they can talk to you about it. Adolescents are not always that keen on ‘a talk’ with their parents – but keep offering your time and showing you are interested in them. There are some good communication tips here.

Young relationships can be very intense. Encourage your child to enjoy time with their partner but not let all other friends and interests fall by the wayside.

• Have boundaries around the days and times that a young couple spend together. Make sure that schoolwork is still completed.
• Make sure that they know you understand they want time together and agree together when this will happen.
• Show you would like to get to know their girlfriend/boyfriend. They might be nervous about this – try and keep it low-key and short to begin with. (Prove you aren’t too embarrassing!).
• Encourage them to spend time with other friends. Ask them to imagine how they would feel if they were ‘left out’ by one of their friends.
• Social media and mobile devices mean young people can talk at all hours. You may need to help your teen keep to a screen time curfew so that they get enough rest and time to themselves.

Having confidence and self-esteem will make your child more able to value their self-worth and be able to treat others well. 

Read more about self-confidence and self-esteem

Romantic Communication

Neurodivergent young people develop feelings in the same way all teenagers do, but they might need support to understand and express romantic feelings and relationships. 

Understanding Attraction

Young people who find it hard to identify feelings and emotions might need support to understand what attraction is. Such as why we are attracted to other people and its physical effects on the body. For example, when you are attracted to someone, you might feel a tingly sensation in your body, feel hot, or red in the face. You might begin to think about that person a lot. Using a social story linked to romance and feelings can be helpful. 

To explain differences in sexuality, it may be useful to explain that some people are attracted to people of a different gender, and some are attracted to people of the same gender. It can be useful to explain that some people find it difficult to express or display their romantic feelings, so it can be difficult to know how they feel. 

If your child has feelings for someone, you might need to support them to work out whether that person has feelings for them. You can try this by:

• Using visual supports, like photographs, pictures or videos of how people might behave when they are attracted to someone. These could be images of a person leaning forward to hear what someone is saying, touching their hair, laughing at their jokes, touching their arm or inviting them to do something together. 
• Equally showing drawings, photos or videos of how people behave when they are not interested, might be a good idea too.  For example, images of people looking, moving or turning away, folding their arms or not answering when your child talks to them. 
• It can be useful to explain that if someone smiles and talks to your child, it doesn't always mean they are romantically interested in them. 

Expressing Feelings

Some neurodivergent teenagers express interest and romantic feelings differently from other teenagers. They might need clear, literal explanations of what is appropriate and what isn't to help them understand social boundaries. 

It can be useful to talk about examples, like asking someone on a date and what to do if they say no. Or how to react when someone says 'I'm busy this weekend' rather than being clear and saying they don't want to. You could set some basic rules to follow:

• If your child asks someone out on a date and they say no, they should respect their decision and not ask them again. 
• If they ask them out and they make an excuse twice, then they shouldn't ask them again. 

Sometimes a visual reminder sheet might be helpful to reinforce their understanding of social boundaries. 

Good & Bad Signs in a Relationship

Just like all teenagers, neurodivergent teens need to learn about respectful relationships. They become a vital part of healthy sexual and emotional development and can build confidence, security and self-esteem. 

Explaining what both good and bad signs are in a relationship can help your child to know where they stand with a romantic partner. You can discuss:

Good signs:

• The other person only asks you to do things you feel safe and comfortable with
• They are honest and don't make up stories about you to friends or family members
• They listen to your child as much as you listen to them
• The other person doesn't expect everything their own way and is happy to do something different or let your child do things on their own
• They support your child, like saying supportive things when they are upset 
• They don't tease, bully or say things that make you feel bad

Bad signs:

• The other person doesn't give your child much attention or affection (depending on both partner's sensory sensitivities)
• They say mean things that are hurtful and make you feel low or bad about yourself
• The person hurts your feeling about your body and/or private parts
• The person hurts your body and/or your private parts. For example, making you do something you feel uncomfortable with
• They don't want to meet your child's friends or family
• The other person bullies you or says things that make you feel bad

By being open to talking about your child's relationship with them, you will be able to empower them to feel confident about their rights, and their choices. This can help if they need some advice and/or support with navigating relationships or how to leave a relationship that isn't serving them well. 

When a Relationship Ends

Although some young romantic relationships can last a long time, often they come to an end. This can be hard to cope with. If your child doesn't want a relationship to end, they might feel confused, sad, lonely or angry. They might also feel like this if they wanted a romantic relationship, but the other person didn't. 

Your child will need to grieve for the loss of something special to them. They will find it useful if parents and carers recognise how important the relationship is to them, and how painful the end of a relationship might be.

It is hard to watch your child feel hurt and upset. Don’t feel you have to ‘fix it’. Being there and reassuring them that they will be fine will help.

• Let them know you are available to listen.
• Ask them what they think will help. Sometimes they might want to talk about it, and others need time alone.
• Avoid criticising their ‘ex’ – there is always a chance they will get back together!
• Remind them to avoid reacting in an angry way to the other person and saying or doing things they might regret. Get them to steer clear of social media!
• Encourage them to distract themselves with friends, films and getting out and about.
• Try to support them in expressing how they feel, for example through writing, creating social stories, art or sport.

It can also be helpful to talk about behaviours you shouldn't do when a relationship ends, such as:

• Shouting at the other person
• Sending angry emails or texts
• Posting mean or rude things about the other person on social media

Although this is a painful experience your child will learn that they can survive. It is an important lesson. They will know they have a support network to rely on and will begin to understand what is appropriate in terms of their behaviour. They are learning to build resilience, this will help them through tough times in the future.

If you are worried that your child is badly affected for longer than you would have expected, with symptoms of low mood get advice. Call your GP or Just One Number to talk to a health professional for support.

Safe Sex

Although not every relationship is of a sexual nature, it is important to be open and supportive of your young person when they are thinking about starting a sexual relationship. You may also want to be curious about the maturity and expectations that both your young person and their partner have about the relationship. 

There is a possibility that your young person could be vulnerable to power and control in a relationship, and it is important to seek support if you are concerned. This support could be through schools, your GP and/or any other healthcare professionals. 

Whilst first relationships may not involve sex, it will be important to start having conversations with your young person so that they develop an understanding of the importance of consent, contraception, sexual health and how to keep themselves safe. Explaining how contraception works and the different options available can help your child have the confidence to make appropriate and safe choices.

Some neurodivergent young people may face barriers to being able to talk about sex. If you think that either you or your teenage child may struggle to talk about the subject of sex with each other then you may want to consider who else your child might trust. This could be:

• A family member or friend
• A member of staff at school or college that your child trusts
• A healthcare professional

Whoever speaks to your child must make sure they understand what is being said. Explanations about contraception or sexual health options could be delivered through video, pictures or illustrations to help your child if they need visual support. You could also support them to make an appointment at iCash, which is a sexual health clinic. 

Although conversations about sex with your child may feel difficult, it is important to be open in communication about them being safe during sex. This will enable them to make safe choices when thinking about protecting themselves against sexually transmitted infections or diseases and/or unplanned pregnancy. 

Find out more about contraception and safe sex

Consent

Having conversations with your young person about consent is important when they are thinking about starting a sexual relationship. 

When discussing what consent is, you may find it helpful to share with them that consent is a two-way conversation between partners and means giving permission for something to happen either verbally, or non-verbally e.g. through the use of body language or using gestures such as shaking their head. Consent must be given freely, and no one should be made to give consent to something they don't want to do. It is important for your young person to understand that even if they or their partner has previously given consent, they can withdraw this at any time. 

Sometimes young people may feel pressure from their friends or their partners to start a sexual relationship when they don't feel ready to. By having open and supportive conversations with your young person about sex, you can support them to have the confidence to make the right choice for them. 

Some neurodivergent young people may be particularly vulnerable if they have differences in their communication and/or don't understand the potential consequences of giving or gaining consent. As a vulnerable group, it's especially important to teach your young person about consent and how to spot the signs of an unhealthy relationship. 

It is important that your young person understands that they have a say in what doesn't and does not happen to their bodies and feel empowered to voice their decision. It's also important that your young person respects other people's choices too. 

Body language and communication about sex can be difficult for some neurodivergent teens to understand, so it's important to talk about consent clearly and discuss different situations where consent would be necessary. You can explain consent clearly by:

• Use videos, pictures or illustrations to describe situations where you would ask for consent
• Talk about body language that may indicate a lack of consent
• Discuss scripts to ask for consent, for example, "I would like to have sex with you, would you like to? It's ok if you don't, we don't have to."
• Consider scripts to check in with a partner in case you see signs that they want to stop, like "Are you ok?", or "Do you want to stop?" 

Please seek advice from a healthcare professional, such as your GP, if you feel concerned about whether your young person is able to make an informed decision about having a sexual relationship. You could also reach out to Just One Norfolk for further advice and support. 

The video below explains consent - you could watch it together.

Abuse in Young Relationships

The relationships that your young person has experienced whilst growing up will influence their values and what they consider to be important in a relationship. In turn, this will play a role in their expectations or how their partner will treat them and vice versa. 

Understanding what a healthy relationship looks like can provide a solid foundation when your young person is developing their relationship. For example:

• Being listened to
• Talking through problems constructively (which involves listening, understanding the other person's viewpoint and being respectful
• Sharing similar values and morals
• Being understanding, kind and supportive
• Giving your partner space and freedom to spend time with their friends and family
• Being respectful e.g. about their appearance, their views and opinions, the decisions they make etc.

Some young relationships may display signs of abuse. There are different types of abuse in relationships and it can sometimes be difficult to identify when abuse might be happening.

Some neurodivergent young people may be more vulnerable to exploitation and abusive behaviour. Although it may be difficult, it is important to be able to have open communication with our young people about what a healthy and safe relationship looks like and what it doesn't look like. 

Sometimes abusive behaviour may be misinterpreted as showing love or care. It could be helpful to open up a non-judgemental conversation with your child. 

Here are some questions you may want to consider asking as a starting point:

• Is it okay when partners try to stop you from seeing your friends and family?
• Is it okay for a partner to expect you to change your plans to fit in with them?
• Should a partner criticise the way you look and tell you what to wear?
• Should someone be pressured to do something sexually they are not comfortable with?

If you feel concerned about the relationship your child is in, please speak to their school for advice or call Just One Number to talk to a health professional and discuss your options. If you think they are in immediate danger, call 999.

If you cannot make voice calls, you can now contact the 999 emergency services by SMS text from your mobile phone. Emergency SMS is part of the standard 999 service which has been designed specifically for people with hearing loss or difficulty with speech.

Mental Health & Relationships

Forming healthy, positive relationships helps children and young people feel safe and supported as they grow up. However, relationships can change over time for many reasons.

It may be harder for young people to recognise when a relationship is becoming unhealthy and begins to negatively affect their well-being. Poor mental health can also create relationship difficulties.

A person who is neurodivergent who also experiences mental health difficulties may struggle to communicate within relationships. If your neurodivergent young person is experiencing worsening difficulties in their mental health, they may become more isolated from people around them and find it difficult to communicate their needs. This may have an impact on their social and romantic relationships, how they participate in daily activities and their finances (if they are in employment and unable to work). 

If you have any concerns about your neurodivergent young person's relationship, please see the Abuse in Young Relationships section for further information on how to support them.